I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know..... I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.
A day without sunshine is like night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws.