Things You Will Learn in 50 Years of Living
by Dave Barry
- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe Daylight Saving Time.
- People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent
sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
- The most valuable function performed by the federal government is
- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
you think she's pregnant.
- A penny saved is worthless.
- They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be
peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is
hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the
planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the
Middle East will be bitter enemies.
- The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is the fact
that, deep down inside, we all believe we are above-average drivers.
- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
- Nobody is normal.
- At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very
excited and announce that: The universe is even bigger than they
thought! There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not and never will achieve its full potential, that word would
- The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people not in them.
- The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of
what the ad actually thinks. For example,
If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of
dollars to convince you that there are significant differences
between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are
virtually identical. If an advertisement shows a group of cool,
attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other
because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser
knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage
would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dip... And so
on. On those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the
product, as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign, it's
the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If
a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan
Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention," I would quit my job to
work for his campaign.
- If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of
its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He
will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad
- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
- No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
- When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very
often, that individual is crazy.
- Your friends love you anyway.
- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.