Cowboy Insults

This year
All years
from Cowboy Songs of the Wild Frontier
by Wayne Erbsen

He was ugly as a burnt boot!

His moustache smelled like a mildewed saddleblanket after it had been rid on a soreback hoss three hundred miles in August!

The water is a little thick and you may hafta chew it a little before you swaller it, but it's dern good water.

His family tree was a shrub! (Isn't that the best????)

He ain't fit to shoot at when you want to unload and clean yo' gun.

He was so dumb he couldn't drive nails in a snowbank.

He don't know as much about it as a hog does a sidesaddle.

He knows as much about it as a hog does a hip pocket in a bathing suit.

He don't know dung from wild honey.

He didn't have nuthin' under his hat but hair.

His brain cavity wouldn't make a drinkin' cup for a canary bird.

He was as shy of brains as a buffalo with feathers.

He's as crazy as popcorn on a stove.

He couldn't hit the ground with his hat in 3 throws.

His face was puckered as wet sheepskin before a hot fire.

He can't tell skunks from house cats.

She's so ugly she could back a buzzard off a gut wagon.

She was so ugly she had to sneak up on a dipper to get a drink of water.

He was so mean, he'd fight a rattler and give him the first bite.

He was mean enough to eat off the same plate as a snake.

He's so crooked he could swaller nails and spit out corkscrews.

Wait - there's more:

A cowboy was urging his friend to go with him to see a traveling stage show to seea concert singer.
"Is she any good?" he was asked.
"Good, why she's a virtuoso!" he replied.
"To heck with her morals, I just want to know if she can SING."

Two cowboys were eating in a restaurant. On said: The butter's so strong it could walk over and say howdy to the coffee."
His pal answered: "Well, if it did, the coffee's too weak to answer back."

OK, that WAS a groaner. How about this?

Sometimes cowboys referred to beans as "deceitful" because they talked behind your back!

And finally (oh, I can hear your sighs of delight!):

There was once an old-timer who ordered some toilet paper from a mail order catalog. They wrote back and requested that he look in his catalog to give them the exact order number. He answered 'em right back and told them that if he had their catalog, he sure wouldn't need the toilet paper!